by Lady J
1.
Dawn in Atlantis.
Lt. Col. Samantha Carter stood on the balcony of the quarters she'd been assigned and watched the sun come up. Rays of light touched the outermost pylons of the East Pier before spreading slowly through the thoroughfares, illuminating the curiously beautiful architecture.
A soft wind blew caressing her face, bringing with it the tang of clean sea air. Sam's fingers rubbed the cherry wood box she held in her hands, its carved top scratching her fingertips.
"You would have loved it here, Janet."
The words came unbidden as did an image of her former lover's face: laughing and smiling as they lay together in the Colorado dawn. Immediately after, the slow dull pain of remembrance. Bitter as ashes. Bitter as the moment Sam kissed Janet's cold cheek back in the SGC infirmary.
"It is beautiful, is it not?"
Sam turned to find Teyla setting dishes on the low table behind her. A hot steaming bowl of grains, two others with native fruits and vegetables joined a small loaf of bread and butter on the table's surface. Teyla set the tray she carried aside before joining Sam on the balcony. Sam shook her head in amazement. "You move so quiet," she said.
Teyla's smile was tentative, understanding the brittle fragility of the moment. She stroked Sam's arm lightly. "Much depended on being able to move without out being seen," she answered. Teyla's eyes dropped to the box in Sam's hands before coming back up to look at her face. One perfect eyebrow arched up in question.
Sam rubbed her fingers over the carved surface again, her eyes prickling but there was no hint of tears. "My lover, Janet Frasier," she began, "died on a mission two years ago today." Sam took a deep breath then blew it out. "She was a doctor." The words dried up in her throat and she swallowed, tamping them back down.
Teyla didn't try to fill the air with words, letting the silence fill in the spaces. They stood together letting the rising sun bathe them in golden light. Finally, Sam opened the box.
The last of Janet's ashes sat there waiting. The rest had been scattered on a cold day on Cheyenne Mountain by Janet's parents. Sam had declined to do it herself then, unable to fight through the miasma of her own grief. Later that night, Janet's mother had come to Sam's office and pressed the box into her hands. "She'd want you to go on, you know," Felice had said, her face old in the wake of her second eldest child's death. Sam stared at the box in her hands then looked at Felice.
"You knew," Sam whispered. Felice smiled briefly, one hand coming up to cup Sam's cheek. She leaned in, flicked a stray lock of hair off of Sam's forehead before planting a gentle kiss there. "She was my daughter after all," Felice said and left the room.
2.
Sam is now millions of miles away from Earth, away from the womb of the mountain and the certainties of a research-laden future. She surprised herself as well as both Jack and Daniel when she made the request to join the Atlantis expedition along with Colonel Caldwell on the Daedalus.
Elizabeth Weir had given her wholehearted approval. "I'm glad you're coming. McKay could do with some shaking up," Weir had said with a grin.
Only Teal'c and Cassie fully understood why it was time for her to move on.
Teal'c had given her a Jaffa mantle complete with a wrought clasp he'd made himself and held her tightly before she boarded the Daedalus. "Be well, Samantha." His low-timbred words reverberated in her ears even after she got over the shock of his calling her by her name.
Cassie threw her arms around Sam's middle and squeezed before kissing Sam on the cheek and shoving a hastily wrapped box in her hands. "Love you, Sam," she said through her tears. Cassie would go live with Janet's parents, tied to the Earth as much as Sam felt herself no longer to be.
Atlantis was everything and more than Sam could have ever dreamed. It was easy enough to slip into the scientific cohort, even if it meant listening to McKay bitch at her for showing up and spoiling his status as top egghead. The work, the unfolding wonder of discovery fired something inside her that she thought she'd forgotten and she welcomed it.
It made sense that Sam would strike up a friendship with Teyla, given their status as the sole women on both premier SG field teams. It made even more sense that Teyla would offer Sam lessons in Athosian stick fighting: "You cannot shoot everything, Colonel." This observation laughingly offered one morning over breakfast.
"I'd beg to differ, Teyla. Oh," Sam paused. "Call me Sam."
Teyla inclined her head briefly. "I am honored you gift me with your name," she said. Then she grinned. "We will start your training this afternoon.
"So days became filled with work and training with Teyla, rediscovering the joy within her. Discovering a growing attraction to the lithe woman who was slowly becoming something more to her. Still, a small part of her held on to Janet's memory and the ashes sat in their box on her nightstand waiting.
Until today.
3.
Today the sun rose, and Sam held Janet's ashes in her hands for what she knew to be the last time.
"Samantha."
She raised her eyes to her companion.
Teyla swept a thumb over the soft grey ash then smudged a little on Sam's forehead and her lips. With her other hand she opened Sam's robe just enough so that she could rub the last bit of ash over Sam's heart. Tears began to stream down Sam's cheeks as Teyla repeated the gestures on herself. Then Teyla gently took Sam's head in her hands and pulled her forward so their foreheads touched. Sam closed her eyes and cried as Teyla's quiet words flowed over her:
"I honor the memory of the one you loved. The one who loved you in return. I share your sadness at her passing. I share your joy in your memories of her."
They stood that way, forehead to forehead, until Sam's tears finally stopped. She pulled back and Teyla's hands fell away. Sam looked at this woman, who had become a friend, who was prepared to become her lover and in that moment she made her decision. She nodded at the ashes.
"Would you help me?"
Teyla nodded. She cupped her hands and Sam poured half the ashes into her palms before she turned back towards the sea. A gust of wind swept across both women and caught the ashes they scattered, swirling them high into the air until they were gone.
Sam slipped her arm around Teyla's waist and together they walked back towards the table. As Teyla took her seat, Sam touched her shoulder. "Be right back."
She slipped into her room, opened her dresser drawer and pulled a brightly patterned scarf out. She wrapped the box carefully before setting it on top of the dresser. Then Sam went back out into the bright Atlantean morning.
Breakfast and Teyla were waiting.